12 April 2007
Finally, after so many months, almost a year... i'm going for ligament reconstruction and menicus repair surgery...whenever the pain gets stronger or when i have difficulties with my leg... it just reminds me of all the crap i've been thru'... I'm really very unsatisfied with my condition and treatment from ppl.... i'm in pain... i'm worried that my left knee/leg will be affected... in fact it has been affected by my injury... having injuries on my right knee, caused extra burden to my left knee/leg.... i've been waiting n waiting... the longer they drag, the more i worry as my left knee is starting to give me problem too~i'm only compensated for the right knee... if my left knee also affected, i've to pay for my medical... which is again another unfair thing... i really feel like calling the hotline to pour all my sorrows, sorrows that not many people know... i hate it~!!!anyway, i'm scheduled for surgery on 12 April 07... thereafter, probably MC for a long time... hope i can recover well... hopefully i will wake up from anesthesia, and hope i'll recover well...
Its been 2 months...
For ppl who frequent this place... would had realised my disppearance... its been hectic and sad... i've been staying in for my rigger course... time to be online was limited... furthermore i have a connection hogger at home...
the course was really a morale lowering one... imagine being scolded and scolded by 4 women in command, in their mid 30s and 40s... and it was really one sided type... as if the other 2 trainees are fault-less... even the 2 trainees felt that it was unfair treatment to me... for a same mistake, if 2 of us did it... i'll be the one who gets much more scolding...
then on the other hand, i myself can't stop thinking of proving them wrong and instead over-tension, made things worst at times.... somemore i'm short temper, when i do wrong, i was already blaming myself, then the instructor kept scolding... my fire became stronger...
it life saving equipment, i don't understand what's the rush... they are always right... do fast also they say, do nicely also they say.... when i do fast they will say its ugly.... when i do slow for quality, they will say i'm slow... i myself also want to do it nicely, but they just don't give the chance to prove.... kept making noise, or fuss abt my actions, or technique.... pack until i also don't what to do... i really don't know what they want.... worse still is that they have different standards... [A] teach u her method.... when [B] coaching, if i do [A] style, [B] will say i shouldn't do that way... and ask who teach you one... what should i say....? say [A] teach one, later [A] will say where got teach, don't frame her... damn sian...
i'm a perfectionist, but my hands are not good at doing fast and tecnical stuffs... sometimes its really very sianz... and demoralising... then they say i alway black face... i'm just trying to be serious... then when i tried to smile when they scold me... they say, smile smile smile, i never see they hot before rite... life is fucked up~
i really hate it when one of them doubted my injury... say my condition not very bad ma... then when i say abt service injury, she said that it was my fault, shouldn't be compensated... i wonder did i have a choice whether to jump off the plane or not? NO! Then she compares my service injury with her wrist and fingers injuries they inccur from packing...~ what the fuck?! how can compare that with parachute jump?
national service is meaningful but the people serving the nation are mostly fucked up people~ no wonder mindef change employment contract schemes... but still alot of fucked-up ppl still got thru`....
good luck to me for the rest of my remaining service liability....btw, i finally get my service injury report, it took 5 months to process....look how efficient our protecting force is? One fine day, i'll consolidate my experience in army and give them some suggestions... maybe also let the nation know the truth~ although it might affect people's confidence towards NS, but if its truely happening, then the organisation should really accept and make things better...
B-day 23
it was a good surprise prepared by miss chua~ even my mum was roped in to trick me... i'm happy to see ppl celebrating my day with me...frankly, i don't need celebration... cos those years when i wanted to celebrate... i never got to celebrate.... i'm refering to my much earlier birthdays... most of the time, i spent my birthdays alone... normally gave myself good treat at restaurants....thats when i was in sec sch... when i was even younger, its either with dad or mum... never together since 3 yr old... i only remember having cakes at certain yrs... but normally didn't have... i remember, the nite before b-days, i always made silly wishes and couldnt slp well at nite...
i'm happy to see old faces, people who have been celebrating with me for 3 yrs... i know these are good sincere frens.... organising these celebrations is like a test of my relationship with people... i don't like to be 'slap' with truth- i don't have much frens or, not welcomed by ppl.... so i rather not celebrate... aiya, sometimes its really obvious that some people already don't treat me like a fren liao... only do some things for don't know what sake...I hereby thank those who came and those who msged me bday msg: ML, Michelle, Suyin, Jacob, Raymond, Amanda, Glynis, Mathilda, Melvin, Yixuan & gf, Pei Shi, Yik Man, Zhao Wen, Janet Lee, Agnes Low, Anthony, Lynett, Ivy Ng, Peiqi, Dora, Jingyi, Boon Seng, Serene Tan, Linghui, Jasmine Tan, Guo Rong, Angelia and Avril.
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