NIGHTMARE!

NIGHTMARE!

I tried to sleep early, and once again i couldnt sleep well and woke up from a nightmare! I am seriously troubled... can I just end my life here, since it doesnt really matter to many... the one whom i will hate most will only be my mum.... ah... !!!!!!! if its not for mummy, i think i murdered myself long ago...

I DONT BOTHER WHOEVER IS READING THIS... I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! MAKE ME THE NUMBER ONE VILLIAN! HECK IT!!

Earlier, It was a bad day... I can cover sadness, cover worries, cover feelings...but never happen for ANGER! I'm angry... Yes, I think it was my wrong-doing on stage, but I really dont think it needed to end this way, making all arrows and faces aiming on me and the keyboardist...

All these people think of is face face face, reputation reputation.... you have your reputable to uphold, i dont have? Why must it end up to be both of us getting the backlash, and be the scapegoats.... And I hate it even more that, there are hypocrites among us... and i totally hate it to make it the 'headlines' and gave them an opportunity to score... fuck up! Seriously, even if it wasnt a perfect performance, if 'miss fiery' could just simply let the set to complete... i dont think it would look as bad as you thought... by taking way other's chance to performance and putting the blames on the earlier performers, will only divert the negative thinking on the scapegoats...

Seriously, im a gone-case lah... im facing the biggest mid-20s crisis! career suck big time, passion also suck big time...?? im 25 and accomplished nothing...! Am I too myself? or people these days are difficult to work with...? ok, lets blame it on me ba..! i was putting up a freaking stupid act to not let the group sink into sadness...

how do you expect the group to eat and laugh when it happened this way? how? how? Miss Fiery, I hope you understand that we appreciate the chances and your time... but sometimes, you just do things without thinking also...!!! And, I am not the sort that like to act infront of you la... if you are blind, and like to be surrounded by actors... I am simply not those la... even if im a freaking good actor, I dont feel like acting... cos deep down i know it wont work.... it doesnt matter to me if i'll still be in the team or not... i dont think i have any choice, even though i really love to perform.. I really dont know how to be fake lor, AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i really hate myself hate my life.... why is it so screwed? i am really tired of living... give it to someone else more deserving ba...

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sir devil asked: "Collin Chan, why not you kill youself in a way whereby it looks like an accident...? at least it wont look as if you let down on your mum..."

part of my new 'lyrics':
我持续加速, 像是与死神招手
风持续变大, 刺进骨里刺进心里
刘海遮住了眼, 也掩饰了泪水
天使瞬间染黑变成魔鬼…