Things are totally going all wrong in life... nothing seem to work properly... where am i now? where should i head? questions after questions...
i was leaning on 1 pillar, 1 last pillar...it gave way and i fell... the last pillar couldnt give me enough strength to rebuild my 2 other pillars and it let me down when i needed it most...
on the floor now, people ignore me, people see me as trouble, people see me as a loser, im alienated... a simple smile, a simple help, a simple encouragement means a million to me...
im glad there are still some people who gave me warmth smiles when im feeling down, im surprised because they are people not close at all - not even friends; just acqaintances...
im glad i do still have support from some people around me - friends that have a place for me in their hearts...
some people kept telling me to reject, to learn to say no, not to be too nice to people...maybe they are right... its good to keep a distance from people... since being nice to people around me will only make me more sad when i needed them most... maybe i should reverse the my way of doing things to at least make me less prone to disappointments... why do i have to always think that im just oversensitive, and not you people being not sharp enough or simply insensitive... i hate making myself a sinner, making myself feel im the wrong one... really!! why is it always my fault and never your fault? so what if things are perfect, how perfect things can be, how long? Collin, why cant you see that the society can never be perfect... you are insane, and making yourself an alien...
no no no no no....maybe i should just slowly, subtlely move away from people who dont believe in me, people who thinks otherwise of me, and people who are 'ugly' in my honest eyes... its okay if you dont believe in what i see, what i feel... i have to move on... i have to move on...
I seriously dont understand what's wrong with what i've done for myself and for people around me... i treat everyone the best that i can be... i actually enjoyed being mr nice guy... but the way things are happening it seems like im not allowed to be one... im sort of being punished to be nice... is this fair? is this fair really fair?
im battling with myself, the devil in within... i am weak... so weak now... i need to divert my thoughts away from the devil... im begging myself to be stronger.... i want to move on, move on! arGH~~~~~!
im adding an additional explanation to why im related to water; water has a kind of perservance in nature, how it cuts rocks into valleys, changes coastlines... these are all results of water's perservance... i need perservance, more perservance in future...
i really dont know what im writing... i dont know why i cant sleep properly... im trying hard to sleep as early as 11pm (far earlier than my usual 3-4am or evening 6-7am).. but i simply just wake up in the middle of night from either nightmares or headaches...
i need to sleep
i need believes
i need money
i need hugs
i need real friends
i need appreciation
i need myself to be sober
i need a restart!
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