Choices & Paths...

Choices & Paths...

Every decision point is like a junction... Every turn at the junction leads you to different outcome...

Over the years, I've been making myself stop looking at the past, because what's done is done... even if i go back to the situation, i'll still do the same...

Like I said, the weathering effects of time will tell the story...

Suddenly, had the inspiration to write lyrics again this time round with basic tune... 2 - 3 songs... i quite like the ideas of the song i accidentally end up with... i need to feel for something before inspiration flows, and probably my heart knows best...hmm i think i need to create it fast and good... will try to squeeze time to compose....

I'm going to better balance the increased work load and passion to sing and host in the coming months... i've been imposing self-regulatory methods to cut expense, first thing was to take train to work instead of driving, unless really needed to... meaning i waking up earlier and enduring those sweaty squeeze for space in trains... i really hope things will be better...

VS just came to a close last sunday after the Graduation Concert @ NUS UCC. Prior to the event, I was seriously not very excited over it... thought it was going to be another normal day... but i was wrong... i ended up feeling it was too short a day to mark the close of this chapter... Thanks for some coursemates' votes, i won the 最受欢迎男学生奖. There are so many more popular people around like Nathaniel, Bryan, Lan Yikang, Gabriel, i was just lucky ba... Miaoru won 最受欢迎女学生奖! Congrats~! I voted for her, Gabriel too... haha... so it was quite expected! Eugene & Marcus, Bryan, Amanda-Shuting-Xinyi-Mireen, Weiyin, Lucky, all won the subsidary awards. Congrats to all of them too.

Most of us will still be performing and hopefully it will continue with good effects. I've performed twice for the heartland, still no familiar faces i see in crowd... lol... how popular can i be? haha said liao... i won by luck... actually never expect anyone to see us perform... But Ferlyn had a supporter, Mr YW, he came to support her, and 3 of us went for a chatty dinner after performing... :)

Other than the songs inspirations, i was listening to UFM1003 DJ Ken's program, suddenly thought a biz idea and some concepts, relating to music industry.. will be meeting some people who also happened to have some ideas for discussion... i believe in my own hands, myself... i wont just wait for things to happen... i dont like...

thats all for now ba...

Secret

Everytime i have the urge to write...

By the time i logged in... i start to hesitate...

There was things just better off being kept a secret, and never be said...

or maybe i need a diary... a secret diary...

Bus Trip

Bus Trip

Non-peak hour bus journeys are relaxing... i missed those days when i was in primary school... i travelled a lot, maximised my concession pass with 'bus stamp' to explore Singapore.. every new thing i saw made me excited...my best accompany is music during the journey... every time im down, i go on long bus trips.... went on a bus trip last week...

I need a restart!

I need a restart!

Things are totally going all wrong in life... nothing seem to work properly... where am i now? where should i head? questions after questions...

i was leaning on 1 pillar, 1 last pillar...it gave way and i fell... the last pillar couldnt give me enough strength to rebuild my 2 other pillars and it let me down when i needed it most...

on the floor now, people ignore me, people see me as trouble, people see me as a loser, im alienated... a simple smile, a simple help, a simple encouragement means a million to me...

im glad there are still some people who gave me warmth smiles when im feeling down, im surprised because they are people not close at all - not even friends; just acqaintances...

im glad i do still have support from some people around me - friends that have a place for me in their hearts...

some people kept telling me to reject, to learn to say no, not to be too nice to people...maybe they are right... its good to keep a distance from people... since being nice to people around me will only make me more sad when i needed them most... maybe i should reverse the my way of doing things to at least make me less prone to disappointments... why do i have to always think that im just oversensitive, and not you people being not sharp enough or simply insensitive... i hate making myself a sinner, making myself feel im the wrong one... really!! why is it always my fault and never your fault? so what if things are perfect, how perfect things can be, how long? Collin, why cant you see that the society can never be perfect... you are insane, and making yourself an alien...

no no no no no....maybe i should just slowly, subtlely move away from people who dont believe in me, people who thinks otherwise of me, and people who are 'ugly' in my honest eyes... its okay if you dont believe in what i see, what i feel... i have to move on... i have to move on...

I seriously dont understand what's wrong with what i've done for myself and for people around me... i treat everyone the best that i can be... i actually enjoyed being mr nice guy... but the way things are happening it seems like im not allowed to be one... im sort of being punished to be nice... is this fair? is this fair really fair?

im battling with myself, the devil in within... i am weak... so weak now... i need to divert my thoughts away from the devil... im begging myself to be stronger.... i want to move on, move on! arGH~~~~~!
im adding an additional explanation to why im related to water; water has a kind of perservance in nature, how it cuts rocks into valleys, changes coastlines... these are all results of water's perservance... i need perservance, more perservance in future...

i really dont know what im writing... i dont know why i cant sleep properly... im trying hard to sleep as early as 11pm (far earlier than my usual 3-4am or evening 6-7am).. but i simply just wake up in the middle of night from either nightmares or headaches...

i need to sleep
i need believes
i need money
i need hugs
i need real friends
i need appreciation
i need myself to be sober
i need a restart!

NIGHTMARE!

NIGHTMARE!

I tried to sleep early, and once again i couldnt sleep well and woke up from a nightmare! I am seriously troubled... can I just end my life here, since it doesnt really matter to many... the one whom i will hate most will only be my mum.... ah... !!!!!!! if its not for mummy, i think i murdered myself long ago...

I DONT BOTHER WHOEVER IS READING THIS... I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! MAKE ME THE NUMBER ONE VILLIAN! HECK IT!!

Earlier, It was a bad day... I can cover sadness, cover worries, cover feelings...but never happen for ANGER! I'm angry... Yes, I think it was my wrong-doing on stage, but I really dont think it needed to end this way, making all arrows and faces aiming on me and the keyboardist...

All these people think of is face face face, reputation reputation.... you have your reputable to uphold, i dont have? Why must it end up to be both of us getting the backlash, and be the scapegoats.... And I hate it even more that, there are hypocrites among us... and i totally hate it to make it the 'headlines' and gave them an opportunity to score... fuck up! Seriously, even if it wasnt a perfect performance, if 'miss fiery' could just simply let the set to complete... i dont think it would look as bad as you thought... by taking way other's chance to performance and putting the blames on the earlier performers, will only divert the negative thinking on the scapegoats...

Seriously, im a gone-case lah... im facing the biggest mid-20s crisis! career suck big time, passion also suck big time...?? im 25 and accomplished nothing...! Am I too myself? or people these days are difficult to work with...? ok, lets blame it on me ba..! i was putting up a freaking stupid act to not let the group sink into sadness...

how do you expect the group to eat and laugh when it happened this way? how? how? Miss Fiery, I hope you understand that we appreciate the chances and your time... but sometimes, you just do things without thinking also...!!! And, I am not the sort that like to act infront of you la... if you are blind, and like to be surrounded by actors... I am simply not those la... even if im a freaking good actor, I dont feel like acting... cos deep down i know it wont work.... it doesnt matter to me if i'll still be in the team or not... i dont think i have any choice, even though i really love to perform.. I really dont know how to be fake lor, AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i really hate myself hate my life.... why is it so screwed? i am really tired of living... give it to someone else more deserving ba...

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sir devil asked: "Collin Chan, why not you kill youself in a way whereby it looks like an accident...? at least it wont look as if you let down on your mum..."

part of my new 'lyrics':
我持续加速, 像是与死神招手
风持续变大, 刺进骨里刺进心里
刘海遮住了眼, 也掩饰了泪水
天使瞬间染黑变成魔鬼…