Time

Time

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i used to think that only the night/early morning are the loneliest hours.... I told myself to avoid these hours... sleep early and i won't have the chance to fall into the lonely trap...

I forced myself to sleep and sleep and sleep... thoughts just won't let me off even during sleep... i dreamt and dreamt and dreamt...

This morning, i was on the way for a course at suntec... along the way, was an unexpected heavy traffic, i was late, hence i decided to go for the afternoon slot... i didnt know where to go... drove and drove and ended up at orchard... i didnt know what i could do but to walk and walk... i was tired, more of mentally... sat down, took a puff (yes, i smoked...) looked at people walking left to right right to left...i took another puff...mind was still running wildy...for the first time, i realised even the daytime can be so lonely...i think im more of lost... lost of my life direction... i am really a typical capricorn...if i dont tell, dont show...no one will know what i'm thinking... i can like the world's most carefree person, but can also be the world most troubled soul in this hour...

I decided to walk again... i walked past a musician playing er-hu with background music... a very sad emo piece he played... i was affected... he was like the most understanding person that moment, because his music was like a reflection of my feeling... i walked past him and i turned around walked back to him, dropped $2... he said thank you... i thanked him too...

up till this moment i am still alone... actually i am okay to be alone, in fact i enjoy being alone...but when you are lost... you just constantly hoped that someone will help you out of it...

25 years of my life, i've been pursuing happiness, success, love... but when i'm most down... the things i get from my family are anger, and unhappiness... i only wished my mum could give me a hug and give me support and not getting angry over me... some people like to compare, but i dont like to... cos i know i am feeling bad enough to think i am not happy.... boss dont keep thinking that i am negative, dont think that i should be like others.... the fact is when i was slogging my ass contributing my sales to your team, your team wasn't working... now that they are 'working' means i am not? i dont need those motivational course... cos i've been thru' enough of those... and ultimately, things are in our hands... i know i have to control myself and i do have control over myself... by assuming and presuming things about me, makes me sick of working under you and with the team... look at how you guys reacted on one of the colleagues personal problems... he might have broken a law, but that doesnt mean you guys have to see him like an alien... is that just how i was 'treated' when you guys think i am weird and 'uncoachable'?

whatever it is... time is constantly ticking...so cruelly moving on... i feel.... and great, miss jaymee just called while im writing this...and yes i wasnt friendly and sounded rude... ok... the whole world hates me... i am a weirdo... its a fact...fuck my life...fuck the time, can someone take the batteries of the clock...fuck!